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Hi guys, I thought I posted this here but apparently not, as I don't… - The Crucible [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
The Crucible

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[Nov. 8th, 2005|05:39 pm]
The Crucible

thecruciblefans

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[mood |apatheticapathetic]
[music |Green Day "Holiday"]

Hi guys, I thought I posted this here but apparently not, as I don't see it in the community. It's a rawther dumb spoof that I wrote after I was in the Crucible... LOL it's also quite offensive at times, just a warning, but my theatre teacher liked it!


(ACT I SCENE 1:
SETTING: a dreary little house that creaks like the little kid from “The Grudge” is in it.
AT RISE: There’s a little girl lying in a bed, conked out. Her name is BETTY, and she has requested that I tell you she is not a ten-year-old whore. And then there’s a guy depressedly covering his face, who we shall call PARRIS, as in "angry as a Parisian that just heard somebody mispronounce 'Les Misérables'." Somebody comes in. Who could it be? Oh, it's just TITUBA. Nobody cares.)

TITUBA
Yo, mah Betty gonna be upshizzle?

PARRIS
What the hell are you saying?

TITUBA
Don’t you talk bout my talkin’, Hommie Parris-izzle, or I’ll beat yo ass, yo.

PARRIS
Just… get out of here, Tituba.

TITUBA
The name’s Tittay, home dog. Now, you damn say it right, or I’m gonna beat yo damn ass-izzle. Foshizzle.

PARRIS
Bitch! (Flips her off)

TITUBA
I ain’t no biznatch!

(Catfight)

PARRIS
Just get out of here!


TITUBA
That’s right, boy. You betta be damn scared-shizzle now.

(TITUBA exits)

PARRIS
(To himself, as usual) When is this damn kid gonna wake up?

(BETTY wakes up)

BETTY
I can't work like this! This mattress is not squishy enough. Is this even a waterbed? (Sees that it's not) Oh, my God. I am calling my lawy--

(PARRIS rolls his eyes and pushes BETTY back down on the bed.)

PARRIS
As I was saying, when is this damn kid gonna wake up? She's sleeping like a rock.

(SUSANNA and ABIGAIL enter)

SUSANNA
Umm… Dr. Grig- Griggs… uh… umm… wanted me to… uh… tell you… he can’t find any… umm… medicine… I’m sorry! Please don’t hurt me! (Cowers)

PARRIS
Die, bitch!

ABIGAIL
(protecting SUSANNA) No! It was the fault of Giles Corey! He gave all the drugs to his wife. (Whispering) Apparently, she’s supposed to be going to rehab soon, but… you can’t really trust that Corey, can you?

PARRIS
Grr! (Flips SUSANNA off) Go home.

SUSANNA
Thank God! (Skitters out)
ABIGAIL
Uncle Parris, I’m sorry ‘bout Betty. I never should have given her those… umm… I mean… I didn’t do anything!

PARRIS
What were you kiddos doing in the forest last night? Was John Proctor paying you to dance for him again?

ABIGAIL
(giggles) John? Why, of course not. We didn’t do anything, Uncle Parris!

PARRIS
But wait. You were working in John’s house so long, Abby. Why did Elizabeth get rid of you like that?

ABIGAIL
(freezes, then laughs) Oh… (Whispering) drugs. You know. They’re all on drugs. She took a bit too much E that night and just zoinked.

PARRIS
Oh, okay. I love you, sweetie! (Big bear hug)

(ANN and PUTNAM enter)

ANN
Waah! I miss my babies! Oh. Why, hello, Mr. Parris. I saw the ghost of my little babies this morning. Betty was flying around with them. It seemed like they were having a lovely time.

PARRIS
GAAH! (Flips ANN off)

ANN
Something I said? Anyway, about my dead babies…

PUTNAM
So, guess what, Parry? There’s witches all over Salem.

PARRIS
THERE ARE NO WITCHES! (Flips PUTNAM off)
PUTNAM
Don’t you bite your thumb at me! There are witches, I say. The Devil is loose in Salem.

ANN
Yes. He ate my babies.

PARRIS
Ate them?

ANN
With mayonnaise.

PARRIS
(In pirate accent) I like mayonnaise.

PUTNAM
Yeah. So, I called this guy… Hale? He’s gonna find all the Devils in Salem.

PARRIS
Why?

PUTNAM
Why what? There ARE witches. Were you suggesting that there WEREN’T? Implying something, maybe? That’s why that damn kid isn’t waking up at our house. And, golly, look at that… your kid’s sleeping, too! (Crosses over to BETTY) OH, MY GOD! HER EYES ARE CLOSED! CLOSED, I TELL YOU! LOOK, ANN! HER EYES ARE CLOSED! WHILE SHE’S SLEEPING!

ANN
Oh, my GOD! THAT’S SO WEIRD!

PARRIS
Oh, Lord. Okay. Abby? Tell this guy the truth. Were you conjuring something in the woods?

ABIGAIL
What? No! Never! Why would you think that? Did someone… TELL you something? (Glares accusingly towards BETTY, who whimpers)
PARRIS
No, no…

ABIGAIL
Betty, you are so out of my cult!

BETTY
(wakes up, screaming) NOOO! (Looks around her) I mean… (Falls back on bed) Waah… Waah…

PARRIS
See? Nothing suspicious about that.

(PUTNAMS  murmur their agreement)

ABIGAIL
But… (Accusing) Tittay was conjuring stuff! Ruth… blackmailed her!

ANN
I knew it! My one child is a fugitive. (Cries)

(MERCY enters)

MERCY
Oh, sorry, I just wanted to see… um… um… Betty! Yes. Betty.

ANN
Nice save, Mercy. (Scowls) Who’s taking care of Ruth? (mumbling) The LEFTOVERS…

MERCY
Uh… shit… oh! Her grandma. Yup. Granny. Good old Granny. Brought cookies. (Aside, to ABIGAIL) I had to leave her. Stupid little bitch wouldn’t stop sneezing.

PARRIS
Well, all’s well here, see? Let’s go sing songs. That’ll ward off the Devils in Salem.


PUTNAM
Damn right. Especially Christina Milian. (squeals a high note)

(PARRIS, ANN, and PUTNAM exit. As PUTNAM leaves, MERCY runs a hand over his chest. PARRIS breaks PUTNAM free and flips her off before leaving.)

ABIGAIL
What happened to Ruth?

MERCY
I dunno. It’s weird. Probably syphilis or something.

ABIGAIL
I hope that’s not what’s wrong with Betty, or I’ll get the ‘bad babysitter’ lecture again.

(MARY enters)

MARY
Uh. They’re talking about witches… n’ stuff.

MERCY
Stop whining.

MARY
Huh? What?

ABIGAIL
Did you tell them anything?

MARY
Huh?

ABIGAIL
Obviously not. God. Betty! Wake up already!

(BETTY whines)


ABIGAIL
NOW, BETTY! Or I’ll teach you a lesson you’ll never forget!

BETTY
(screams) No! Not that again! I’ll drink all the blood you want; just don’t do that again!

ABIGAIL
My, you seem improving.

BETTY
Is that supposed to be sarcastic?

ABIGAIL
WHAT? Are you INSULTING the Abigail? Tsk, tsk… now, Betty, I warned you about this…

BETTY
Waah!

ABIGAIL
STOP WHINING! (Slaps her)

MERCY
Ooh, bitch-slap.

MARY
(stupidly) Why are you hitting her?

ABIGAIL
DON’T QUESTION ME! OR I’LL SLAP ALL OF YOU!

MARY
Just asking.

(JOHN PROCTOR enters)

PROCTOR
Mary, why aren’t you at home creating diversions so Elizabeth doesn’t realize I’m gone?
MARY
Uh. Leaving.

(MARY exits)

MERCY
Oh, I should leave, too. I need to watch Ruth. You know… that non-existent granny might hurt her, and we wouldn’t want that to happen, would we? (Passes PROCTOR) Good morning. Why aren’t you out hunting for witches? (Grabs him by the waist and starts kissing his neck) I might be a witch, you know. I’m pretty bad.

PROCTOR
Mercy! Not now! Abby’s here! (Breaks free, MERCY exits)

ABIGAIL
(giggles) Hi…

PROCTOR
Hey, Abby. Now, I didn’t come to make out with you or anything.

ABIGAIL
You sure? (Presses herself up against him) I don’t believe you.

PROCTOR
Abby, you slut, I’m married!

ABIGAIL
Ha. That’s funny. Married.

PROCTOR
I love Elizabeth!

ABIGAIL
(laughs uncontrollably)

PROCTOR
WHAT IS SO FUNNY?


ABIGAIL
(Wraps her arms around him) You know you want it, Johnny Boy.

(BETTY screams like she’s possessed by Michael Jackson)

ABIGAIL
Betty! What is it?

PROCTOR
Did she hear us? I think her mind’s a bit young for that…

ABIGAIL
Oh, no, she’s known about all of that forever. She’s a ten-year-old whore.

(Everybody rushes in- ANN, PARRIS, PUTNAM, COREY, and REBECCA)

PARRIS
What the hell is going on here?

ABIGAIL
It’s your singing. She couldn’t bear to hear it.

(PARRIS flips ABIGAIL off)

PUTNAM
Oh. I guess we shouldn’t have been singing “Dip it Low”. Her poor virgin ears.

(PROCTOR and ABIGAIL laugh)

COREY
Actually, I think it’s your singing, Ann. You and that husband of yours sound like a herd of cows dying.

REBECCA
Giles. Tsk, tsk.

COREY
Damn people… stole my land…
PARRIS
And my firewood! (flips REBECCA off for no apparent reason)

(COREY exits, but suddenly we hear a crash and an old man falling. PROCTOR rushes out to help him.)

PARRIS
(shakes head) Society… Anti-firewood society…

(HALE enters)

HALE
Oh, someone take these books! They’ll totally ruin my hot uniform. (PARRIS takes books) God, thank you. Took you long enough. (Looks in mirror) Look at that. I’m so hot I can’t stand it.

PARRIS
Yeah, Hale. You’re sexy.

PUTNAM
Whoa, Parry, slow down, it’s only 1692.

PARRIS
Hey! You know what? I’m tired of this. 1692… we should be making progress. (Flips everyone off) Die, bitches.

(PROCTOR comes back in, pushes PARRIS back inside)

PROCTOR
Hey, if I'm stuck in here with all these hypocritical whorish Puritans, you sure as hell ain't leaving.

PARRIS
(Flips PROCTOR off and turns to HALE) Oh, hey, Hale. Could you look at my daughter? She ails.

HALE
(looks at BETTY) Oh, yeah. She’s a hot one.


PARRIS
No. I mean she’s sick.

HALE
Oh. Right.

ANN
Did I tell you the Devil ate my babies with mustard?

PARRIS
I thought it was mayonnaise.

ANN
No, mayonnaise sounded too yummy right now.

(GILES enters again with RANDOM GUY)

GILES
(sounding very Puritan) Corey’s back in da house.. yo.

PARRIS
You’re as bad as Tituba.

SHOUT FROM OFFSTAGE
IT’S TITTAY, HOME DOG!

PARRIS
I mean Titt-ay... from the "hood". I think that's short for neighborhood. Isn't that sweet? Good Puritan neighbor. (Notices PUTNAM is bored and flips him off)

RANDOM GUY
(goes upstage, upstaging everyone. Upstage, upstaging! Ha! Ha! Ha... ahem) To be or not to be. That is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler in the minds to suffer… (looks around) Oops. (exits quickly)

GILES
Hey, Hale. My woman reads books. Tell me why.


HALE
Well, uh… um… oh, Parris. Tittay sounds like a witch. Get her ass in here.

PARRIS
You’re not supposed to curse.

HALE
Sorry. Get her arse in here.

PARRIS
Okay. TITTAY!

(TITUBA enters gangsterishly)

TITUBA
Hey, hommies. ‘Sup?

HALE
Oh, good. What a treat. First of all, would you tell us your name?

TITUBA
I’m Tittay from da hood, yo.

HALE
So, Tittay. Tell us. Enlighten us. Are you a witch?

TITUBA
All the way, dawg, if you dig that.

HALE
Well, everything checks out here. I think it's time for me and Tittay to go have some fun. Scene!

PARRIS
Not quite.

HALE
Err… right. Tittay. So… did you ever compact with the Devil?


TITUBA
Hey, my boy is no devil. He's gangsta, fo-shizzle, but he ain’t no devil.

HALE
Okay. You’re clear. Scene!

PARRIS
Tittay, what Mr. Hale is trying to say is, did you ever see anyone with the Devil?

TITUBA
Aw, hell, no. I know you don’t expect me to rat out mah girls.

HALE:
Girls?

TITUBA
Fo shoa.

PARRIS
Tittay, if you don’t tell me at least this I’m going to hang you because I’m angsty like that. Did you ever see… that retarded girl with the Devil?

TITUBA
Aw, boy, no need to bring yo gunfire into it.

PARRIS
I’LL KILL YOU, TITTAY! YOU WANNA WATCH?

TITUBA
Okay, okay! I saw my hommie Good wit the Devil!

PARRIS
Goody Good! (To HALE) Write these down.

HALE
Fo-shizzle.

TITUBA
Fo-shizzle my nizzle!
HALE
Fo shoa.

TITUBA
Yeah, I saw Goody Olsen wit the Devil…

PARRIS
Goody Olsen? You mean Mary-Kate? Oh, goody goody, I get to meet Goody Olsen.

TITUBA
Fo-shizzle. An’ then I saw… Hamlet wit the Devil.

COREY
Dammit! He just left! (Exits, running, waving cane madly)

ABIGAIL
I WANT TO TATTLE! I WANT MY HOLY LIES TO BE BLESSED BY GOD! Oh... crap. Something got mixed up.

HALE
It's okay. We're all liars here. Who did YOU see wit the Devil?

PARRIS
With. With. Not wit. With. (sighs) Will someone get Tituba out of here before our Reverend turns into Snoop Dogg?

ABIGAIL
I saw Elphaba Thropp with the Devil! I saw Goody Osbourne with the Devil! I saw Levi Hawkins with the Devil!

PARRIS
Levi Hawkins? YES! I was going to kill him anyway.

BETTY
I saw Mary Warren with the Devil!

ABIGAIL
Shut up! Wrong scene!

BETTY
I saw my dog with the devil! I saw Crocodile Dundee with the Devil! I saw Goody Howe with the Devil! I saw Hilary Duff with the Devil!

CROWD’S MURMURS
So did I.

ABIGAIL
You know what? I saw everyone with the Devil. I saw- (points) you and you and you… you’re hot and you’re a Reverend, so not you… hey, this is my line! Why is the curtain-

(CURTAIN FALLS)


(ACT I SCENE 2: Setting: A slightly brighter house. It’s ELIZABETH’s, and since her husband is always out being a pedophile she has nothing to do but brighten her house. PROCTOR enters.)

PROCTOR
Woman! Where’s my dinner!?

ELIZABETH
Here, here! So, whom were you sleeping with today?

PROCTOR
I am OFFENDED, Elizabeth. Why do you think I was sleeping with anyone?

ELIZABETH
Oh, I dunno, maybe ‘cause you keep impregnating teenagers…

PROCTOR
Abby never got pregnant!

ELIZABETH
You sure?

PROCTOR
Absolutely! And neither did Mercy... (counts on fingers) Or Susanna... or Ruth... or Giles Corey...
ELIZABETH
Whom aren’t you sleeping with?

PROCTOR
 Mary. She’s too stupid.

(MARY enters)

PROCTOR
You little biotch! Why did you go to the courts when I told you not to?

MARY
Um.

PROCTOR
Well?

MARY
Um… don’t hurt me. I’m going to puke.

PROCTOR
TMI.

MARY
Sorry. What’s that mean? I don’t have very many brain cells left. Oh, look, Goody Proctor, a doll.

ELIZABETH
Nice.

MARY
Yes. It just happens to be sitting in my pocket. (Laughs to self) Hee hee hee; that was a rouse to get away from Proctor! I’m so smart. I tricked them all. All 2 of them.

PROCTOR
Yes, Mary. You’re brilliant. I might have to sleep with you now, too.

ELIZABETH & MARY
HEY!
MARY
Sarah Good almost killed me today.

ELIZABETH
Oh, really, now?

PROCTOR
That’s nice.

MARY
She sent her Sprite out.

ELIZABETH
That’s not the line, dear.

MARY
She sent her spirit out.

PROCTOR
Liar.

MARY
For real! This crony old woman. She said, “I am innocent to a witch.” I tell you, it was bull.

PROCTOR
Liar, liar... pants on the telephone... whatever. You’re stupid.

MARY
So what? I don’t need you anymore. I’m an official of the court. They’ll get me a scholarship to college and I’ll be in their clique forever.

PROCTOR
Did they mention that they're also a bunch of liars?

MARY
Careful, Mister Proctor, or I might accuse you of witchery, too.

PROCTOR
I’ll witcher you! (gets whip)
MARY
Waah! (exits quickly)

ELIZABETH
Was that really necessary, John?

PROCTOR
Of course it was, Abigail.

ELIZABETH
ABIGAIL?

PROCTOR
I mean…

ELIZABETH
That’s it. I want a divorce.

PROCTOR
No, no! Let me tell you this story. Abby keeps telling me how dumb that girl is when I sneak out to see her at night. She just won’t stop talking about Mary! I’m considering ending the whole thing. Oh, wait…

ELIZABETH
You sneak out to see that little tramp?

PROCTOR
Oh, no! No! I was just talking to Abby that day when everyone else left and she was seducing me in the dark.

ELIZABETH
I see. And did she succeed in seducing you?

PROCTOR
Of course not, darling! We just made out for a while! What do you take me for, a lecher?

ELIZABETH
Ahem. Okay, look. Your little slutty girlfriend wants to kill me and marry you. Okay?
PROCTOR
Which one?

ELIZABETH
ABIGAIL.

PROCTOR
Abigail? That sweet and innocent... um... kid? Why doesn’t she like you?

ELIZABETH
You’re hopeless! (raises a frying pan to beat him with, but then HALE enters)

HALE
Oh. (giggles) Sorry!

ELIZABETH
It’s okay. Come on in. I should have someone to make out with, too.

HALE
It would be a little weird if I made out with Abby and then with you.

PROCTOR
You made out with Abigail? (gasps) How dare she cheat on me? What a tramp!

HALE
(giggles sheepishly)

ELIZABETH
Go tell Abby she’s a whore. Now.

HALE
Wait, wait. (looks in mirror) God, I’m hot. Anyway.

PROCTOR
What is it? I have to go tell Abby she’s a slut.

ELIZABETH
On second thought, forget it. You’ll end up getting her pregnant.
PROCTOR
True.

HALE
So, uh, yeah. How come you never come to church?

PROCTOR
I DO come to church.

HALE
Then… uh… tell me your… Whatcha-ma-call-its.

ELIZABETH
His commandments?

HALE
Uh, yeah. That.

PROCTOR
Okay. Thou shalt not kill people. Especially Abigail. Hear, hear, Elizabeth. You can’t kill her. Okay?

HALE
God, I really am hot. I’m so hot I can’t… oh. Um. Yeah. Go on.

PROCTOR
Um… thou shalt not… something about a graven image… thou shalt not envy thy neighbor’s ass… I mean donkey… thou shalt not… say shalt. Thou shalt not… ignore Reverend Hale. Thou shalt not forget his lines.

ELIZABETH
You forgot a couple. Namely ‘thou shalt not sleep with whores’. Or anyone at all, for that matter, besides me.

PROCTOR
Well, gee, sorry, Lizzie! You were just never around!

HALE
Err… right. Sorry. What were we talking about?

PROCTOR
And he wonders why I don’t listen to him in church.

HALE
Umm… right. And I… have to… go.

ELIZABETH
John, just tell him already.

PROCTOR
Okay. Okay. Look. There are no witches in Salem.

HALE
(laughs uncontrollably)

PROCTOR
I’m serious!

HALE
That’s probably just because they convicted her today.

ELIZABETH
Convicted ME?

HALE
Yeah…

ELIZABETH
I am no witch!

HALE
Ha ha! You lie! Arrest her!

(Random police officers appear and chain ELIZABETH)

PROCTOR
Hey hey hey hey! No one is allowed to chain Elizabeth except for me, okay?

ELIZABETH
Oh, John!
CHEEVER
I spy a poppet, Goody Proctor. If you keep dolls, you surely must be a witch.

WILLARD
(laughs insanely)

CHEEVER
Hey, I’m serious! I am very important, and if I say she’s a witch, SHE’S A WITCH! THEY’RE ALL WITCHES!

WILLARD
I like witches… (giggles)

CHEEVER
Are you DRUNK?

WILLARD
Huh? Uh.

CHEEVER
(picks up ELIZABETH’s doll, sticks a needle in, and pulls it back out) Look, Willard, it is a needle! She is a witch!

WILLARD
(talking to doll) Needles are hot. You’re hot. Will you go out with me?

CHEEVER
Oh, Willy, I thought you’d never ask!

WILLARD
Huh?

HOPKINS
Well, dudes, dudettes, this proves it. Elizabeth’s a witch. You’re a comin’ with me.

ELIZABETH
I’m not really into the whole chaining-up thing…


PROCTOR
Wait! Get Mary in here! MARY! GET YOUR ARSE DOWN HERE!

(MARY enters sheepishly)

MARY
Uh. Yeah. What’d I do?

PROCTOR
Have you seen this needle before?

MARY
Is this a trick question? (Silence) Am I being Punk’d?

CHEEVER
Just say you haven’t seen the needle.

MARY
I haven’t... seen... the needle. (Quickly) And neither has Abby so don’t blame her or I’ll be out of the cult!

CHEEVER
Why would I blame Abby? Then I wouldn’t get to make out with her anymore. But this proves it. Elizabeth stuck this needle into this doll using her witcherish powers and made it look like Abby. VOOOOO-DOOOOO! Take her away!

(ELIZABETH and POLICE GUYS exit)

PROCTOR
Mary, you were supposed to lie!

MARY
Huh?

PROCTOR
Okay, you little brat. You’re gonna tell the court what you know whether you like it or not.


MARY
Uh. That’s not a lot.

PROCTOR
Okay, fine! But you’re going to… accuse Abby of murder!

MARY
Oh, okay. (a pause) Hey, wait!

PROCTOR
No complaints, missy.

MARY
Waaahh! I can’t do thaaat!

(Cries continue. CURTAIN FALLS.)
 
(ACT II SCENE 1: Setting: Dark, seductive woods. ABIGAIL is there, pretending to be scared so that PROCTOR, who has just arrived, will hold her.)

ABIGAIL
John, it’s so big and scary out here! Can we please go back to my place? Maybe in my bedroom?

PROCTOR
It’s okay, Abby. Let’s sit down.

(They sit on a random bench/log)

PROCTOR
So, how’s life? How’s everything crack-a-lacking for you?

ABIGAIL
Don’t try and talk like Tittay from da Hood. You’ll never come close.

PROCTOR
Sorry. How. Are. You?


ABIGAIL
Oh, spiffy. I mean, oh, woe. Everyone keeps hitting me with their spirits, John. Why, look at my leg. Immature little boys hit me when I don’t want to sleep with them.

PROCTOR
How horrid.

ABIGAIL
Yes. Woe. And look at my shoulder. All the witches keep putting spells on my shoulder. In the middle of the night, the ghost of your wife comes back and stabs me again and again. See? Look at my boob.

PROCTOR
That’s okay. Um, but, my wife’s still alive.

ABIGAIL
Oh. Shucks.

PROCTOR
Yeah.

ABIGAIL
(kisses PROCTOR for about 10,000 years before he pulls away) John, oh, John, marry ME.

PROCTOR
I can’t, Abby. My pedophiling days are over.

ABIGAIL
But, John!

PROCTOR
I’m sorry. Look me up when you’re legal. The old hag will probably have died by then.

ABIGAIL
Yeah, she is old.


PROCTOR
You’ll speak nothing of Elizabeth!

ABIGAIL
I’m sorry, John! Please don’t make me stop making out with you!

PROCTOR
It’s too late, Abby. I’m going to ruin you now.

ABIGAIL
Ruin ME?

PROCTOR
Yes. Ruin you. You filthy little tramp.

ABIGAIL
Aw, John, you really mean it? (Touches his face)

PROCTOR
Stop DOING that.

ABIGAIL
You know you want it, Johnny Boy.

PROCTOR
Stop… please?

ABIGAIL
Never, never. Your idiot wife could never give you what I can give you, John Proctor.

PROCTOR
(Pushes her away) You mad, you murderous biotch! (Slaps her and runs far, far away before he can be seduced or beaten up.)

(ACT II SCENE II: Setting: A dismal courtroom. So dismal, it doesn’t even look justice-granting.)

MARTHA
Please, please don’t hang me! All I did was read a book!
HATHORNE
Was it a good book?

MARTHA
It was Shakespeare.

HATHORNE
Which play?

MARTHA
A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

HATHORNE
Hang her.

MARTHA
Nooooooooooooo! Why?

HATHORNE
Because I don’t like that play. It’s too happy. And because I am the boss, and therefore, am uber-cool.

MARTHA
No! No! Please! (Gets dragged offstage)

COREY
I HAVE EVIDENCE! Gimme my wife back! Morons… out to get my land…

PARRIS
AND MY FIREWOOD! GRR!

COREY
I’ll kill you all…

DANFORTH
Little man, you need a life. Get him outta here.

GILES
(faces HATHORNE evilly) I LIKE A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

HATHORNE
(files nails) That’s nice.

(COREY is dragged offstage, too.)

NURSE
I hate to say this to such a weighty judge, sir, but you are DECIEVED!

DANFORTH
(whispering) Don’t you have a few lines before this?

NURSE
I hate to say this to such a weighty judge, sir, but you are DECIEVED!

DANFORTH
I’m never deceived. Wha? What the hell’s Mary Warren doing here? (Whispering) Mary, look. I told you. It’s over. Okay?

PARRIS
Seriously, Mary. He doesn’t want you anymore. (Flips MARY off)

MARY
Waah.

PROCTOR
She’s going to tell the truth. Okay? The truth. Something we’ve been missing in these here courts.

COREY
(Re-entering like it’s going out of style) Aye, the truth! It wasn’t A Midsummer Night’s Dream! It was Cymbeline!

HATHORNE
Even worse. Go away. (Turns to MARY)So, tell us the truth, Mary.

MARY
I… Mr. Proctor.


PARRIS
What? You’re sleeping with Mr. Proctor, too?

PROCTOR
(coughs)

COREY
Aye, no. The truth is she never seen no spirits.

DANFORTH
(snorts)

COREY
Aye, the truth!

PROCTOR
We pretty much abandoned the phrase ‘aye’ a few months ago.

COREY
Oh. I’m uncool.

PROCTOR
But it’s true. It was all pretense.

MARY
Pretense, sir!

HATHORNE
Then how did you FAINT?

MARY
Um. The other girls showed me how. They said if I didn’t do it, they’d get the flyswatter out. And man, does that thing hurt!

DANFORTH
Fine, then. Get the other brats in here. And that hot one, Abby.

CHEEVER
Err. Right. Whatever you say.

DANFORTH
Good little slimeball.

(CHEEVER exits)

DANFORTH
You’ve been a very bad girl, Mary. You lied to us.

MARY
Did not.

DANFORTH
What?

MARY
I mean… right. I lied. Bad girl.

DANFORTH
Yes. You’re going to jail for it after you tell us… unless… (Whispers something in MARY’s ear)

MARY
But… I thought it was over!

(Re-Enter DANFORTH with all the little girls- SUSANNA, MERCY, RUTH, BETTY, HERKEMER, and ABIGAIL, who is wearing an evil look of contempt.)

DANFORTH
Ah. Here they are.

(The girls sit solemnly and stupidly.)

DANFORTH
Well? Aren’t you going to scream? Faint? Be possessed? Something?

ABIGAIL
We’re waiting for our cue. Mind your business.


DANFORTH
Okie dokie. So, Mary, you were telling us how you learned to faint?

MARY
That were pretense, sir.

DANFORTH
You couldn’t spell ‘pretense’.

HATHORNE
If you were really pretending, why don’t you just faint now?

PARRIS
Yeah. Faint like it’s going out of style!

MARY
Faint? (Giggles hysterically and runs to PROCTOR)

HALE
Mary, honey, you have to faint or they’re going to hang you.

PROCTOR
Mary, come on. Remember what the angel told the boy.

MARY
You never DID tell me what the angel told the boy.

PROCTOR
Well, she told him… Abigail Williams is a liar!

(Courtroom gasps)

ABIGAIL
I’m not a liar! I’m so completely innocent it hurts!

PROCTOR
Being innocent WOULD hurt you…



ABIGAIL
All I’ve done is point out the bad people, and you’re going to call me a liar? Mistrust me? Deny me? How dare you? (Gasp) It’s freezing. Girls, shiver. Aren’t you cold? Brr. Mercy, hold me.

MERCY
Oh. Right. Brr. Brr. It’s freezing in here. I demand you turn on the furnace right now.

ABIGAIL
Not that, you nimrod. Why do I even allow you to be my sidekick? We’re being bewitched. It’s freezing.

ALL GIRLS
Shiver. Brr. Cold. (Shivering)

MARY
That’s not very nice.

RUTH
You’re a very bad girl, Mary, to bewitch us!

HERKEMER
Shiver. I’m so cold.

SUSANNA
Yes. Brr.

BETTY
Double brr.

DANFORTH
Mary, are you sending your Sprite out on them?

MARY
I don’t have any Sprite.

ABIGAIL
Take her Sprite away from me, Heavenly Father!

PROCTOR
Horse! How do you call heaven?

DANFORTH
Horse?

PROCTOR
Hey, we have to keep the courtroom G-Rated. It’s televised. (Winks at camera) You all must see it! I didn’t want to, but Abby just kept lifting her dress and kissing my neck… I couldn’t help it!

DANFORTH
He’s got a point there. Them horses can be pretty damn tempting. That’s why I like to shoot them.

HATHORNE
You shoot horses?

DANFORTH
Oh, wait. That’s squirrels.

PROCTOR
I have known her, sir, I have known her.

(Courtroom gasps simultaneously.)

DANFORTH
But have you known her like THIS? (grabs ABIGAIL and starts to kiss her. HOPKINS separates them.)

HOPKINS
I’m beginning to feel like I’m the only person who hasn’t made out with Abigail here.

ABIGAIL
We can change that quickly. (Winks)




PROCTOR
Okay, back to my monologue, whore! Could you help it? Any of you? Dannyforth? Hale? I mean, look at Abby! She’s just so damn hot! But she thinks to dance with me on my wife’s grave! She thinks to do the Twist and play D-O-W-N! But it is a horse’s vengeance, I tell you!

DANFORTH
Squirrels are vengeful, too. Aw, hell. I believe him.

PARRIS
I don’t. Hey, Proctor, get your “honest” wife in here. She’ll tell us if you’re lying.

PROCTOR
Why would I lie about sleeping with her?

PARRIS
(Flips PROCTOR off) I don’t know! Ask Arthur Miller!

PROCTOR
Who?

CHEEVER
I’ll get her in here. My slime is attractive. She won’t be able to refuse.

(CHEEVER exits)

MARY
Proctor, remember what the angel told the boy.

PROCTOR
Shaddup.

DANFORTH
Okie dokie. You turn around. Horse, you too.

(They turn reluctantly. Re-enter CHEEVER and ELIZABETH.)



DANFORTH
Ah! Yes! Okay. Don’t look at your husband. I doubt you would anyway. He’s too ugly. And don’t look at Abigail, either.

ELIZABETH
Am I the lifeline on “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” or something?

DANFORTH
Err… whatever floats your boat. Now, tell us. To your knowledge, is this girl a sl- I mean, a horse?

ELIZABETH
You mean… if Abigail is a mare… is my husband a stallion?

DANFORTH
Exactly.

ELIZABETH
OF COURSE NOT! HOW DARE YOU ASK SUCH A THING?

PROCTOR
Remember what the angel told the boy? (Whispering) ABBY! THAT’S YOUR FLIPPING CUE!

ABIGAIL
What? Oh, suddenly I see a little yellow bird! Aah! It’s trying to possess my soul! (Nudges MERCY) See the little yellow bird? It’s scary-looking! Do you see it? It’s going to eat us! Scream already!

(The girls scream like monkeys)

RUTH
Lord save us!

BETTY
It looks just like Mr. Whiteford!

SUSANNA
Oh, my GOD! It’s going to eat me!

RUTH
Possess you.

SUSANNE
Possess me!

MARY
I don’t see a bird.

ABIGAIL
I don’t see a bird.

MARY
Whoa…

ALL GIRLS
Whoa…

DANFORTH
Damn kid’s sending her Sprite out again.

PROCTOR
Spir-it. Okay? Spear. It.

MARY
What’s going on?

ALL GIRLS
What’s going on?

MARY
HAHAHAH!

ALL GIRLS
HAHAHAH!

MARY
I like squirrels.


ALL GIRLS
I like squirrels.

DANFORTH
So do I.

MARY
Go, go! Suck your toe! All the way to Mexico!

ALL GIRLS
What?

WILLARD
That’s kinky.

PARRIS
No. The chains are kinky.

ABIGAIL
Oh, my God!

MERCY
Sweetie, Mary didn’t say that.

ABIGAIL
The bird is going to come down! It’s going to steal our souls… or something! Run madly!

(The girls all run madly, purposefully running into all of the guys seductively. They all end up in a corner, out of breath.)

HALE
That was hot.

PROCTOR
Ah, screw it. You know what? I’m the witch. I bewitched all these little kids, and I’m going to hell. (Is dragged offstage.)

HALE
Dammit! I liked him.
DANFORTH
He was wicked!

HOPKINS
And... no one mourns the wicked!

WILLARD
(Singing) Whenever I see someone less fortunate than I, and let’s face it- who isn’t less fortunate than I? My tender heart tends to start to bleed. And when someone needs a makeover, I simply have to take over-  

DANFORTH
PLEASE spare us. This isn’t a musical. At least I hope not, if this is the cast. Now. Mister Hale, what are you implying?

HALE
I quit this court. (Exits nonchalantly)

DANFORTH
Mister Hale! Mister Hale! (Does a dance)

(Courtroom breaks into chorus; curtain falls.)

(ACT II SCENE 3: Setting: Outside. There are benches. TITUBA and SARAH are sleeping on them.)

TITUBA
Yo, Sari-G, wake up, yo, time to go back to da hood.

SARAH
Aw, yeah. Hey, where’s that hottie, Willard? You know? He’s got all the booze. Mm.

TITUBA
I could use summa dat.

SARAH
Willard’s my bitch.


TITUBA
Willard’s MY bitch.

SARAH
(laughs insanely)

(WILLARD enters.)

WILLARD
Hey, ladies.

SARAH
I want some vodka.

WILLARD
Ah, here. (Pulls a bottle randomly out of his pants.) Oh, wait, that’s scotch. (Puts it back, pulls out another bottle.) Dammit, that’s tequila. (Puts it back, pulls out another bottle.) Here you are.

SARAH
(Drinks whole bottle, gives it back) Thank you. I very much needed that. We’re going to da hood today.

WILLARD
Really, now? Can I come?

TITUBA
Aw, naw. Dat damn Devil gonna take us. We gonna get down.

WILLARD
Actually, you’re gonna get hung. (Cackles and chains them)

TITUBA
You’re just jealous ‘cause you ain’t gangsta.

(Enter HOPKINS)

HOPKINS
No, no, Willard! Don’t chain them to you! No! Don’t chain them TOGETHER!
(Rechains TITUBA and SARAH)

TITUBA & SARAH
(look at each other, considering, then laugh) Naw! We ain’t gonna die! No chance!

(A cow moos)

SARAH
Hey, it’s the Devil!

TITUBA
No, it ain’t! It’s Hilary Duff!

SARAH
Same thing.

(Exit TITUBA, WILLARD, and SARAH. HOPKINS stands importantly with his arms crossed. Enter DANFORTH and HATHORNE, then re-enter WILLARD.)

HATHORNE
It smells like vodka.

WILLARD
Where could that have come from?

(Enter PARRIS.)

PARRIS
Waah.

HATHORNE
What now, Parris?

PARRIS
(Flips HATHORNE off.) My kid’s gone.



DANFORTH
Oh, yeah right. You know you were sleeping with her, too. Wait, she’s GONE?

PARRIS
Yes! Abby’s gone! And Mercy! And they’ve robbed me! All thirty cents are gone! Even the five I had for firewood! (Kneels and cries.)

DANFORTH
That whor-- se.

HATHORNE
Now, that child is innocent. She didn’t rob you. I bet she was kidnapped! No one sees it coming, then- BAM! They find her body three days later.

PARRIS
She probably seduced the kidnapper, the little-

DANFORTH
Horse. In fact, she’s not just a horse. She’s a SQUIRREL, God Dammit.

PARRIS
Look, could we just… postpone this hanging thing?

HATHORNE
Hey, no way. I sold this show out. Canceling it now would be theatrical suicide. Like “Carrie: The Musical”.

WILLARD
Yeah, and I wanna see the show! I have a date! (Takes the slightly freaked HOPKINS by the arm.)

(Enter HALE.)

HALE
Guess what? They’re all innocent!

PARRIS
Dammit! (Flips everyone off in general.)

HATHORNE
Reverend, did you get into Willard’s liquor?

(Enter ELIZABETH.)

HALE
Hey, Lizzie! Your husband’s innocent! Plead with him! (Jumps up and down gleefully.)

ELIZABETH
I’m aware.

HALE
So you’ll plead?

ELIZABETH
Let me talk to him.

DANFORTH
No way, bitch! (Jumps in front of her.)

ELIZABETH
GRR!

DANFORTH
Okay, then. (Backs away slowly.)

(Exit Everyone but ELIZABETH and PROCTOR, who enters in chains.)

PROCTOR: Oh, great. Here comes the depression scene. Has anyone seen my eyedrops?

ELIZABETH
John, I have to tell you something.

PROCTOR
Let me guess. I’m a man-whore.

ELIZABETH
You knew that.
PROCTOR
True.

ELIZABETH
No, no. See, I have to tell you that this is… half my fault.

PROCTOR
You mean… you ran a cold household and prompted lechery?

ELIZABETH
No. Actually, I cheated on you, too. This baby is Willard’s.

PROCTOR
Oh.

ELIZABETH
Yeah.

PROCTOR
No hard feelings.

ELIZABETH
I’m gonna miss you, J Proc.

PROCTOR
Oh, Lizzie. I always thought you were the hottest out of all my girlfriends. You know this. You were just the least slutty, that’s all.

(Re-enter HATHORNE)

HATHORNE
Time to die, Johnny Proctor.

PROCTOR
No. Wait. I don’t want to die.

HATHORNE
So you’ll confess!?


PROCTOR
Confess to what?

HATHORNE
That you saw somebody with the Devil.

PROCTOR
I didn’t see anyone with the Devil…

HATHORNE
HE’LL CONFESS! (Runs out gleefully.)

PROCTOR
Well, this sucks.

(Re-enter HALE, HATHORNE- jumping, CHEEVER- with paper, and DANFORTH.)

DANFORTH
All right, Slimeball, I want every word of this documented.

CHEEVER
Ay, ay, Captain. (Salutes.)

DANFORTH
Now, J Proc…

PROCTOR
Only Lizzie and Abby, my two best women, are allowed to call me that.

DANFORTH
I can be one of your good women. I need to play a new role; I’m being typecasted. Anyway. Did you ever see anyone with the Devil?

PROCTOR
Um…

DANFORTH
Did you ever see Sarah Good, for example, with the Devil?

PROCTOR
Well, no…

DANFORTH
Did you ever see Tituba with the Devil?

VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE
THAT’S TITTAY FROM DA HOOD, YO!

HALE
(yells) You’re supposed to be DEAD!

PROCTOR
No, I never saw Tittay from da hood with the Devil.

DANFORTH
Did you ever see ANYBODY with the Devil!?

PROCTOR
Well, I saw Ruth Putnam with Michael Jackson once…

DANFORTH
Okay. That’s it. Hang him.

PROCTOR
No!

(Enter REBECCA, in chains.)

DANFORTH
Yes! Both of you!

PROCTOR
Well, fine, if you’re going to be like THAT.

DANFORTH
Hang them high over Sin City!

REBECCA
But I haven’t had my Fruit Loops yet!
HATHORNE
Fruit Loops?

REBECCA
Gimme a break. I got paid fifty bucks to mention them. I’m a working actor, and I wanna EAT this week. Eat your Fruit Loops, kids, part of a complete breakfast.

(Exit REBECCA, DANFORTH, WILLARD, HATHORNE, PROCTOR, and DANFORTH.)

PARRIS
Go after him! Hello!? You guys are MARRIED, right?

ELIZABETH
Well, yeah…

(PARRIS flips her off and runs out, exasperated, in a funny fashion.)

HALE
Well, then? What?

ELIZABETH
I’m too tired. I haven’t had my Fruit Loops, either.

(THE CURTAIN FALLS.)








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